I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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