Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
two words...techno handjob
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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