you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Someone came in the potted fern
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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