respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
