Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
