i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
