i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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