My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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