I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
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