The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
