I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
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