Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize