I hate your face
i permit you to call me
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
