Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
