Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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