I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
