What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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