dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
