this just has baby written all over it
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
