just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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