I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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