Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my shit smells like andre
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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