I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
