I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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