like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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