I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
its liver damage thursday
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
