I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
