so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
