Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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