Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
