Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I have feelings that need drinking.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
