does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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