I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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