So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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