so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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