I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
