You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
