Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
