he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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