Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
