I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
