she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
