i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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