I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
