Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
