If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
