That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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