My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
