You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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