Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
honey bunches of taint.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
