New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
