just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
