Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
