how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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