next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
