I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He better not be in your backpack
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
