So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
