pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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