Got a toothbrush?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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