This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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