I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
