Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
