I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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