i was rollin on her like bob the builder
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
